Backtalk - Page 4

Cynthia · 08-25-2008, 03:10 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by symesa

I would just like to mention, that you shouldn't look at it as a punishment. Time outs could also just be called "pulling yourself together" because that is essentially what you are doing -- giving him time and a safe place for him to pull himself together. Like Kris said, it doesn't matter what room. Most people use their kid's bedrooms because you are sure it is a safe place where they can't hurt themselves or something important to you while they are trying to get themselves under control. But, if you have another room that fits that bill then use it.

Every time I start thinking of time out or "go to your room" as a punishment, I try to remind myself that she is allowed to stomp, kick, and yell in her room all she wants. What *I* want is to not have to hear it right here in my face -- she is welcome to her emotions and demonstration of emotions. I just don't want to hear it in the kitchen!

Ugh. This stuff is too hard! I think I'm going to work harder at commenting on how much I appreciate and like hearing her speaking nicely, in combination with a no-tolerance policy for disrespectful behavior. And when that behavior happens, I'm going to keep reminding myself that my end goal is to merely have respectful behavior, not to punish. So, like Sara, she'll have to leave my presence until she can speak to me respectfully. OK, that's my game plan for this week.

What she said!

ETA: What's a specter? Or do I want to know?

.

lizzydo · 08-25-2008, 03:50 AM

Cyn: a specter is a ghost..

All I can add is that I wish you guys were around when Katie was a toddler!

bugginsmom · 08-25-2008, 04:57 AM

Okay, onward march this morning. Up the positive reinforcement (which I do, but I try to not overdo it, KWIM?), develop a better place for him to be alone. This whole terror of his room is a whole different issue (I am becoming convinced the kid CAN see "specters"...you should hear the stories they tell him.

)

At any rate, I have been more lax on the physically removing him because sadly he is so strong and big that it makes it really hard. At 50lbs of solid muscle mass (no lie, barely an ounce of fat on this kid) and a will of steel it is hard to physically keep him some place he doesn't want to be. Part of his huge problem is his strength. He was helping me move furniture yesterday like it was nothing. He can lift a 40lb bag of dog food by himself!

My goal is to try and try again to keep him upstairs or away from me during his fits. It's not that I want to inhibit him from expressing his emotions, it's just that lately they have gotten so loud that they are wearing on my patience.

I do have to remind myself that it is not punishment, but a cooling down time. He is usually such a sweet little boy that these tantrums again (much like when he was 2.5, but much louder and longer and not based on anything that makes sense to an adult) are so hard. He starts PreK next week so we'll see how that works out. His school does not use time outs, only redirection, which has always worked for me until lately.

GACK! I am dreading "that" call from school.......

Thanks for all the advice, mamas! As for the "specters" part Cyn, he just started using that term for ghosts one day. We have no idea where he got the term. It's not something we say or talk about. One day he just came out of his room crying that the specters were scaring him while I was in the shower. The only thing I can think of his that my sister let him watch something on t.v. at her house. She can't think of anything, but she doesn't say it is impossible either.

Oh well, it is what is it is, right?

Okay armed with my new resolve and my mantra (this too shall pass) I am off the computer to tackle a new day head on! I'll report back tonite!

Carol in Maryland · 08-25-2008, 05:29 AM

Erika, because Alden is so intelligent and thoughtful, have you talked to him about what it would be like if everyone behaved as he is behaving. I am pretty sure that I was so defiant because my mother was so authoritarian, demanding not only perfect behavior but also mind control. That is certainly not the case with you. He might be able understand how awful it is for others when someone throws a fit.

widdlelou · 08-25-2008, 08:23 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by bugginsmom

Okay, onward march this morning. Up the positive reinforcement (which I do, but I try to not overdo it, KWIM?), develop a better place for him to be alone. This whole terror of his room is a whole different issue (I am becoming convinced the kid CAN see "specters"...you should hear the stories they tell him.

)

Okay taht is freaky.

At any rate, I have been more lax on the physically removing him because sadly he is so strong and big that it makes it really hard. At 50lbs of solid muscle mass (no lie, barely an ounce of fat on this kid) and a will of steel it is hard to physically keep him some place he doesn't want to be. Part of his huge problem is his strength. He was helping me move furniture yesterday like it was nothing. He can lift a 40lb bag of dog food by himself!

My goal is to try and try again to keep him upstairs or away from me during his fits. It's not that I want to inhibit him from expressing his emotions, it's just that lately they have gotten so loud that they are wearing on my patience.

Well then its obvious. Less good food more junk. We need to get this kid weaker...

I hope it goes well and I totally get what you are saying with the positive reinforcment. I try to keept he bribes and prizes down, but we do have pretyt good luck with behavior charts, not all the time but hwne I see that we need some motivation to see that good behavior really does have its benefits.

from nc · 08-25-2008, 02:45 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by bugginsmom

Here's a question: What about the kid who will absolutely without a doubt not stay in time and never has???? Time outs have NEVER worked for Alden and lately when I inform him that we do not speak like that in this house his response is, "I DO speak like that in this house!" What!?!?!?!??!?!?! He doesn't get what he wants when he does this, and I ignore him but the kid will go into a full out trantrum and can keep screaming for half an hour...literally. How do you deal with this without losing your mind?

Time outs don't work that well here either. What does seem to work is putting something beloved into time out, i.e. for DS we put lion into time out and with DD it is Minnie Mouse. It seems to be working for now. Does Alden have something that he would hate for you to put into time out?

Hay lady · 08-25-2008, 03:08 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by lapoissonne

I have one of those. I drink.

Ha! Me too

bugginsmom · 08-25-2008, 07:23 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Carol in Maryland

Erika, because Alden is so intelligent and thoughtful, have you talked to him about what it would be like if everyone behaved as he is behaving. I am pretty sure that I was so defiant because my mother was so authoritarian, demanding not only perfect behavior but also mind control. That is certainly not the case with you. He might be able understand how awful it is for others when someone throws a fit.

That's funny you posted this. We were playing in the sand box today and we started talking about what a good friend is and how that applies to our family. It was a really good conversation and when he started to argue about a cup of water later I reminded him of our conversation and he stopped and looked at me with this aha! look. Perhaps, I hit on something here. Other than that minor episode today was a perfect day with my sweet one.

bugginsmom · 08-25-2008, 07:23 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Hay lady

Ha! Me too

You guys crack me up. I am totally keeping that as Plan B!

bugginsmom · 08-25-2008, 07:24 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by widdlelou

Well then its obvious. Less good food more junk. We need to get this kid weaker...

.

ROTFLMAO! I just choked on my tea...you crack me up, Linda!